I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize