i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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