We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
