Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Randomize
