I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
50% drunk capacity currently
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Life without a bra equals bliss.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
