please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Of course I have a pirate flag
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
