Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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