There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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