She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
