i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
