I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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