Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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