I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
