I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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