it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
