I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
