did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
