My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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