You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
