That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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