I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
