were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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