I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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