i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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