Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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