My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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