i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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