I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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