Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
