in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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