I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
