3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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