I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If that was your dad, he is hot
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
