note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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