Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
