i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
