Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
