when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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