I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize