It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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