it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
