Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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