so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
