hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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