You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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