It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
