You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
