I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
