I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
