i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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