I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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