how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
