You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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