He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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