I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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