So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
