Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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