I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize