i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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