a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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